23:13.
" Tuesday, 17 July 2007
I have writer's block.
Wait, let me rephrase that.
...
I am incapable of writing.
There, that's better.
Let me elaborate:
Well, simply put, when I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, in most cases), nothing happens. There's no rush of exhilaration, no sudden onslaught of emotion that lets the words pour forth. No matter how many depressing songs I listen to, or how many angsty movies I watch, nothing actually helps. I can't put out like I used to. So I tried the other end of the spectrum: happiness. Even worse. I've hit a dead end with Janie's story, with the legendary romance unfolding between Zhang and Wei. It came so easily last time, the awkward tenderness and fractured understanding between the two. But now all I can come up with is a corny interlude akin to the of a High School Musical rerun.
What's happening?
Maybe I need plot bunnies. What do you think?
The ones I came up with earlier are... well... I'll just show you:
(\ /)
( '-' )
(,....,)
The pathetically indifferent bunny.
(\ /)
(o.O)
(,....,)
The 'watching gay porn' straight bunny.
...
Exactly.
I've got nothing.
...
*sigh*
22:38.
" Monday, 16 July 2007
Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix. Touchy subject.
I mean, seriously. It wasn't the best of all the HP movies, far from it. It had a jagged plot that leapt in and out of Harry's nightmares, then jumped to the miserable reality that was his life. Not to be outdone by the teen flicks of this century, it had a large serving of angst cereal that rivalled even the worst of Korean dramas. What is wrong with David Yates?
Actually, I won't answer that question right now. It's just plain annoying. Let's talk about happier things, like my 'modifications' of some lines in the movie. WARNING: CRACK ALERT!
"I'm not weak!"
"Then prove it!"
*HP jumps SS & proves just how 'strong' he is (;*
"Do you have something to say, dear?"
"Oh, I have many things to say, you little..."
*Umbridge-bashing and swearing ensues. Go Minerva!*
"He can read your mind, control it, unhinge it..."
"Oh, is THAT what happened to yours?"
"Hey Moony, Padfoot! Who wants me to take off Snivelly's trousers?"
"..."
*a collective 'EW'*
"Ok, ok! I was just joking!"
"You know what, I really hate children!"
"I'm not surprised. I mean, we just loathe you."
*Hermione gets a shot at Umbridge*
"Don't kill Cedric! Who is Cedric, Potter? Your boyfriend?"
"Well... yeah."
*group silence*
"What. The. F-CK?!"
*poor ickle Duddykins gets a widdle shock*
OK! All done! (: That made me feel much happier. You know, I reckon I should do this for a living. Making fun of people's lives. Like Dane Cook! But without the chauvinism.
...
Maybe not.
18:40.
" Sunday, 15 July 2007
"Shattered stars across the sky
Like the pieces of a broken soul"
- Fallen Angel- Anon.
"With no heart, one could not fear death nor pain, for one became fear. One became pain."
- Witch- Anon.
"We had no choice in our destiny; Fate dealt the cards, and our lot's screwed up. So what? It’s destiny. We move on, and make the best of it, learn to live with our disabilities. We accept the cold, hard, truth no matter how much it hurts, and we move on."
- Witch- Anon.
"I see through those obsidian eyes
Past all those wretched lies
I hate the way you're a coward in disguise
Running away from the idea of wrong and right"
- Fallen Angel- Anon.
19:29.
" Tuesday, 10 July 2007
I'm now going to attempt to write a vaguely happy post (:
...
Or not.
Look, I really don't want to whine, but it's really hard to think of something!
I mean, I consume happiness in small chunks, like... like... a Cadbury bar. I hardly experience an overpowering rush of joy in any situation, and the rare occurrences of such an undignified emotion are usually too personal to share with anyone else but my warped conscience. Simple things are the ones that make me 'happy', so to speak. Like the story I'm helping Janie with. I can write, and helping someone while doing it is a bonus. That cheers me up to some extent, but it's mainly just a remedy for the mind-numbing boredom that is my humdrum life.
...
Oh, what am I saying! I know why I'm so dull, mundane, unhappy...
But I'm not telling any one of you.
15:05.
" Saturday, 7 July 2007
This is the happy post.
The post of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. The post of fluffy kittens, puppies, and hamsters. The post devoid of angst, and suffering. The post that my dear friend Lee Wei so covets.
Hip, hip, hooray.
15:36.
" Wednesday, 4 July 2007
I kept my mouth shut from the start
I guess I left you in the dark
You thought you knew me but you don't
You say you love me but you won't
When you find out who I am
I kept my mouth shut for too long
All this time you got me wrong
Now we're in this way too far
I'm about to break your heart
Tear everything we had apart
- The Veronicas, 'Mouth Shut'
I kept my mouth shut for too long, stayed mute as you lashed out at me, stood aside as you exacted your twisted justice on an innocent, fought down the bile as you laughed at her pain. I was your secret-keeper, your confidante, the only person willing to follow you in your escapades. And for what?
I remember the day we first met- a grey summer morning punctuated by brief spells of rain. All was still, dew glistening fresh on the flowers, birdsong echoeing around the oval. Everyone had seperated into their little cliques and I was alone, new to the whole concept altogether. One minute I was staring into a cup of cordial, the next I was staring at your hand. You said nothing, simply holding your hand out, waiting for me to take it. Wordlessly, I gathered up my things and got to my feet, motioning for you to lead the way. That fateful morning marked a new beginning, but I was too naive, too stupid to fully comprehend the consequences of that little encounter. All that mattered then was that I had a place to belong; a dream come true.
The dream that soon became a nightmare.
We were a tight group, the four of us. Me, you, and two others. I was the privileged one, though. You chose me over them every single time. You listened to me when I bitched about the others, laughed with me as I made them the butt of every cruel joke ever invented, & never questioned my loyalty. I was the prized pet, the only person you deferred to in conversation. They were great times, really. My naivety, your cunning, our innocent cruelty- a stellar combination.
Then the war began.
It started off quite small; minor skirmishes between the foot soldiers, with limited casualties. Soon, however, those foot soldiers morphed into pike-wielding knights of an elite calibre, and throats were being callously slit left and right. With each passing week, more fell into the black void, lost forever to both of us. The worst thing about the whole affair was that I... enjoyed it. The mortality rate was just that- a bunch of numbers, less competitors for your attention. I was selfish, wanted you for myself, resented those 'extras'. God knows I get possessive at times.
But when does possession become obsession?
Too soon, my friend. Way too soon. Let's put it this way. One way or another, you'd drift into a conversation. One way or another, I'd find myself thinking about you more than just once a day. One way or another, I found myself looking for you every lunch. One way or another, I knew what was happening; you'd ditched me. But why? I'd never been anything less than respectful, loyal, true... and yet you were abandoning me and the others, innocent things that wouldn't harm a fly, for them. For those plastics.
Now your eyes light up when they come by, words dying on your lips as a smile of adoration spreads across your lean face. All for what? You are their lapdog, the messenger girl, the slave. Much like I was for you. I was YOUR lapdog, YOUR messenger girl, YOUR slave. All for naught. It's just one vicious cycle, the two of us caught between society's many hierachies, exchanging harsh words, feral grins, numerous scratches.
Who will emerge as the victor?
22:14.
" Sunday, 1 July 2007
I'm free.
It's funny how when the stillness of the night blankets one's surroundings, when the only sound one hears is the steady patter of raindrops glancing off a windowsill, that the deepest thinking is done. In the secrecy of the night I let loose, a landslide of forbidden emotion pouring forth making me giddy with euphoria or solemn with grief. I let my pent-up feelings have the run of the yard, lifting me off my feet in a celebratory jig, or a slow nod of understanding. The night is when I am truly free.
Free to recognise that I love too easily.
My love is unrequited. It's often never returned in any form other than casual friendship, but still I persist with the foolishness. This weakness makes me sensitive. I'm easily hurt, rocky exterior pierced by a cunningly placed blow more than just once in a while. I break easily, unwelcome memories ever present in my subconciousness, only needing a single song to open the floodgates and release the foul tide. But I always recover.
S broke me with a simple indifferent glance.
The indifferent glance cast in my direction when I asked what dinner was. The indifferent half-smile plastered on S's face when I said "Hi". The indifferent mask that drove me to sleepless nights and plagued me with worry. Then, the mask was suddenly broken with that oh-so-beautiful smile.
And all was right with the world.
I was on Cloud 9, hope a heady drug coursing through my system, every single word uttered from S's lips a subtle brush of love's fire. I still am on that mythical cloud, drugged on happiness and teenage foolhardiness. Stoned beyond repair. And I'm loving it.
"It's a date, yeah?"
"Call me! Muacks!"
"You're always there for me, Woo. I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you, man!"
"Don't go yet, I'm all lonely. Stay, and we'll make cupcakes and sing cheerleading songs!"
"You've got something on your chin right there. Let me get that off."
"I'll miss you when I leave. Heck, I miss you when you're not in!"
"Whatever you do... Don't. EVER. Forget. US."
How could I? I don't want to forget, ever. I crave those sweet grins, the melodious laughter, the effortless command of authority you possess. I don't think I could ever let such heaven go.
I never will. Not as long as I have the ability to love.
Never.
