Just a little excerpt from the poem I'm working on in Literature:
I have nothing.
Only 12 days left before the holidays. 12, long, days.
To me, love is a thing of unsurpassed beauty, unfathomable cruelty, and pure pain. No love story is ever perfect. Many are just figments of their creator's imagination, pretty trinkets that mercilessly taunt the broken heart of another.
Interhouse Athletics Carnival. Not the best way to spend 6 hours of your day, but it was fun nonetheless :)))
Sorry about the overall retarded-ness of the whole situation! I didn't spend much time glued to a chair infront of my cousin's computer this time round, so there wasn't much page-glamming going on. I'll get right onto it after this, I swear :)))
Yup yups! Today I'm going to my cousin's place... going shopping ^.^. Stupid thing is, I forgot my pin, right... so now I can't really buy anything over 30 bucks. Stupid. Yeah, stupid. I really want to get a few shirts and stuff, don't know how to sort the whole thing out. Oh well.. -.-"
I have no idea how to express myself now. No amount of literary expertise, thespian dramatica, or just simple reflection is helping. I'm messed up. I'm drifting aimlessly, a ship without it's captain, a horse without a rider, a high-waisted skirt without a white undershirt. It's pathetic. I flit from class to class, day to day, week through to week, with nothing. I know I've failed my science test. I didn't study, underestimated the test itself, and now I'm going to get a big fat F to show for all my 'commitment' to the subject. What I don't understand, really, is the fact that I've got time to have a long hot shower, and paint my nails, but no time to do Science revision. Is it because I have no priorities? Yeeesh. All this thinking is hurting my head. I'll write about something else now. But.. what can I write about?
I have a new favourite pairing.
"In recent decades some scholars have taken a different view of Shakespeare's sexuality, believing that possible homoerotic allusions in a number of his works suggest that Shakespeare was bisexual."
Just some thoughts after reading Pei Wei's bloggie:
Yup yup! I'm back to post again!!!
Mmm... last nite was fun :)))
I’m scared.
I am currently obsessing over this song called 'Let Me Love You' by Mario [no, not the fat Nintendo dude]. It's so sweet, and lovely... yeah. I really like it. You can find it on YouTube, I'm sure :) Ah, ok...
People are noticing me now...
Barely a twelvemonth after
I really don't know what's wrong. Something's happened to me, but I don't know what it is. I'm pissing people off left and right, nothing I say actually helps, and I'm just taking everything too far. Take today's lunchtime conversation, for instance-
Hey guys...
HELLO!!!
Hi!!! Ahahaha, I'm STILL hyped-up about the Rain concert ^.^ *squeee*
Gossamer wings naught but shreds
Eyes twin pools of hateful sorrow
Smile twisting in jealous rage
Cold, corrupted, fallen angel.
Halo askew, darkened by rust
Lips dark red with the elixir of lies
Alienated from love, a lover of lust
Cold, cruel, lost angel.
Hair the shade of liquid night
Figure muscled, lean and lithe
Teeth bared in vengeful wrath
Cold, guilty, scorned angel.
There's actually more, but I just wanted a general consensus on whether I should keep writing it. What do you guys think? I really need to buck up and do well in this assignment, you know... Oh well, most of you know the drill- read, review. Simple as that.
Please? For lil' ol' me? *puppy-dog eyes*
THX! <3
P/S: Had a chat with Jolenda... really hope she comes to PLC! I know she'll like it here, just has to adjust a little. From what I hear she's a great person, so it shouldn't be too hard! Will post more on this tomorrow :)
20:05.
" Thursday 28 June 2007
I've come dangerously close to failing my Science, & I haven't even worked on my Literature. To top it all off, the latter's being checked up on by my teacher soon. I've told her that I analysed 50 words, but in all actuality, I've only done 5. I'm barely scraping by in my Politics unit.
I have nothing.
My lack of priorities is a shade disturbing. My inability to simply knuckle down and hit the books is beginning to be an enormous liability. I had the time to draw up a shopping list for the holidays, but while I was doing that particularly frivolous task, it never once crossed my mind that time would be better spent revising. My mind simply dismisses everything remotely related to school once I get back to the boarding house. It's a slate wiped clean of any purpose, an empty vase waiting to be filled with teenage drivel. The fact that I'm blogging instead of working on the Lit simply reinforces my point.
I have nothing.
...
But wait. I don't have nothing. I simply don't have you. I have no rival, no one to impress, no eager competitor. No one to tutor in English, no one to sit and chat with on the pretense of Maths revision. No reason to do well in school, no reason to live life the way I would've with you by my side.
So I wait. Day after day, week after week, month after month. I wait with bated breath, hope fluttering in my broken heart. But you never heed my call.
And so I'm left to stitch it back together again. Alone.
10:05.
" Wednesday 27 June 2007
I've always wondered why time passes so slowly when one anticipates something. Each individual day just drags on forever, a neverending cycle of boredom & impatience. Morning, afternoon, and night all blend together in a colourless mess before your very eyes. Your waking hours are spent in frustration, contemplation and the mundane drone of everyday life. Even the promise of rest doesn't shake you from your nightmarish existence of ...
waiting, wanting, and needing.
Waiting for that particular day, that particular person, to waltz into your life and spirit those dark clouds away. A ray of sunlight burning gold through the haze, a ray of hope.
Wanting the day to be here now, to be able to blitz through the limits of time and space & emerge triumphant at your destination.
Needing the relief that comes with success, with the fulfilment of your request. To be home, free, released from the gilded cage of self-imposed lockdown ...
...
& to get my hands on that beautiful iMac that my parents have just bought =)
09:21.
" Tuesday 26 June 2007
Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White.
They waited in their stone towers & cottages, prayed for a Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet. Prince Charming came, professed his love in a passionate kiss and the couple rode off into the sunset atop a stallion of brilliant white. But what happens after that? Love withers with age, they grow tired of one another, and the mistakes they once tolerated now have no place in their marriage. They mistook passion for love and they suffered. Love is the devil reincarnated, blinding you to faults, opening your eyes to false splendor. Once it has you deep in its thrall, it strikes, unforgiving and malicious. Dragging you down to the depths of Hell.
That's why I can't bring myself to love you.
You are my everything. My hopes, my dreams, the rainbow in my life.
But at what cost?
Every restless night, my gaze drifts inadvertently to my mobile, sitting idle on the desk. The voice in my head screams at me to call you, contact you, to hear your voice once more. I used to put up a fight, to resist the allure, vehemently in denial. But now I know it does no good at all. The more I distance myself, the stronger the urge to be with you. Now I just pick up the phone and dial your number, hoping you won't answer, throat tight with anticipation & dread. As always, I hear the crackle of reception and the lilt of your voice, "Hello?". Everything in me tenses for a split second before I reply with a tentative "Hi". I feel the smile blossoming on your fair face, and the slightest hint of a grin flashes across my own before sorrow masks it once more. We make small talk about our friends, school, and life in general. All too soon I have to go, and I sense the disappointment in your voice even thought you know I'll call you again in no time. We bid each other bittersweet goodbyes, and I allow the tears to flow unchecked.
Why does it have to be this way?
I live for those conversations of ours, drabbles that hold our fragile friendship together. But they hurt me. Because with each phone call, I'm reminded of the distance between us, reminded of the fact that I'll never have you the way I did before. Our time together has a place in my most treasured of memories, but the fact that I remember each vivid detail so painfully, tears at my heart. These calls do you no justice, and only do me harm. Because every time I hang up, mobile clenched tightly in my fist, I lose another part of my soul to you.
See what love does to me?
But I know you will never see. You never have.
16:48.
" Monday 25 June 2007
We had to get up super-early today, at 6.15!!! I was a zombie, I admit, so I just fell back into bed until 6.30 and pulled on my sports stuff. Had to pack lunch for the arvo, so staggered downstairs and made a yucky sandwich. Thing is, I only realised @ around lunch itself that I had put turkey, ham, and ketchup (which I thought was chilli) in a pumpkin roll. Ewww.
Icky lunch aside, I ran in 2 events today! Ahahaha, I'm feeling super-fit! My first was the 100m, and I was seriously shitting myself! I was in the same heat as Katie Anderson, Katie Roach, Molly Dale and Laura. Molly's fcuking Speedy Gonzales compared to me! I thought I was going to come last, and I did. Haha, so much for winning. Oh wells, at least I was in it, and I didn't lose by much. Then right after the 100, I had the 200. That was just tiring. I was running, then around the 100m mark, I started losing steam pretty quickly. I was practically hobbling down the backstretch.. thank god the gap between me and 5th place wasn't that big. I'd been embarassed enough in the earlier race -.-"!
On a happier note, Catherine van der Walt broke 2 school records. She sets one at every event she goes to! The whole year reckons that in a few years time we'll be cheering her on at the Olympics. She did come 3rd at Nationals, really. Such a sporty person! I seriously admire her, mannn.
*Sigh* I always get sick of writing posts halfway through. What's happened to my inspiration?! Hmph.
P/S: Stewart came 5th overall :D But we had the most individual champions! Yeah, it was a stupid waste of time, but a fun waste of time.
20:00.
" Sunday 24 June 2007
Okay! Back to the major updates here: shopping.
It wasn't on Saturday, actually, since Tracey came to pick me up at 4.30 instead of the 11 a.m we had previously agreed on -.-". Dinner was a relatively simple affair, just udon noodles in miso soup with a large helping of beef balls ^.^ [note: this post has too many emoticons in it, I know, but to backtrack and to remove them all would waste as much time as it took me to write this little note]. Right, staying on track now. Fastforwarding to Sunday...
Yups. Woke up at around 8.30, was going to have a shower, but flopped back into bed because of the cold, and was awakened by Janice at 9.30. Panicked a little, pulled on some mish-mash of clothing, ran to the bathroom, almost fainted at the sight of my morning hair (and my jacket), ran back to my room to get a comb, and ran back to the bathroom. Spent a good 30 mins untangling my hair and getting all the coloured bits in the right place (What can I say? I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to my hair). Ran back to my room, changed my shirt 3 times, ran out to the kitchen, then ran back to pack. Got everything organised @ around 10.15, and we were out of the house 5 minutes later. Su-Lynn and Su-Ann live in Karrinyup, near St. Mary's so it wasn't too far to drive. Picked them up, smiled, exchanged polite greetings, then set off to Garden City. Tracey had a minor bout of 'carpark rage' since it was just packed. Then again, the Australian Stocktake Sale was on, so there was a good reason for it all. We parked a fair way away from the main complex, trekked a bit in the biting cold, then hit the stores. I swear I've developed claustrophobia. I mean, the sheer number of people was just ... boom. I bought a black long-sleeved shirt from Esprit, and a pair of dotted flats from Betts, I think.
Had lunch at the Jaws in the city (yummeee sushiii) then went shopping again. Didn't want to buy anything since my debit card wasn't working and Tracey was paying for my stuff, but she talked me into getting another pair of black flats with polkas. Cute! Hahaha, I have way too much crap.
K. I really should be getting to bed now, I've got aths tomorrow. Which means that I'll be running 300m, and busting a lung. It will be painful.
Bye!
11:39.
" Saturday 23 June 2007
Will post after the shopping thing today. I'm going with Su Mei and Su Lynn because it's one of their birthdays today. Yeah. Fun.
Bye! <3
11:24.
" Friday 22 June 2007
OH! Hahaha, today is free-dress day! And our theme is 'house colours', like, if you're in the green house, you wear green stuff. That's me, I'm in Stewart, the green one. But the only seemingly-green article of clothing I have on is a shirt. Apparently it's aqua. Stuff them. I've got a white jacket, white flats and jeans to complete the whole thing. I lack house spirit. Seriously, I mean, you have people in green leotards, fishnets, and bikinis over shirts, even green mesh skirts. Who would do that? I admit, I'm not big for self-humiliation, which is my reason for not making a complete ass out of myself. Oh well. Back to my 'English'. I have a free now, and I should be making good use of it, not doing this.
Bye!
07:22.
"
Jamil/Jason.
All is right with the world!!! ^.^
14:03.
" Thursday 21 June 2007
Amazing. You learn something new everyday!
Who would have known that darling William was such a 'special' boy? XP
09:35.
" Wednesday 20 June 2007
Is Laurell Hamilton considered... kinky? *wonders*
I know slash is kinky, but Laurell Hamilton?
Oh fcuk, who am I kidding... it is. I mean, look at the Meredith Gentry series? It's basically erotica.
Damn.
Oh whatever, the plot (no matter how nonexistent it may seem) is good :)))
Which is why I read it.
For the plot.
Same reason that I read Anita Blake novels. Because those have a plot.
They do.
Yup yups.
Okay, must stop before I dig myself a hole I can't get out of.
Bye!
*scuttles away*
09:07.
"
Haha, I've finally gotten my head out of SlashLand and into reality, only to realise that I have a test tomorrow that I haven't studied for. *Sigh* This just proves how much free time I have.. enough to drift off into hours and hours of quality fiction. I think it's only because I'm feeling weird, like, tired and excited, or stressed. I tend to read more when my emotions are running high, or when I'm in desperate need of a coffee -.-". Oh well!
You see, I've made myself a resolution. I'm going to be healthy... Yes. I'm going to be healthy. No, don't mock me. I actually am. All because of what happened last night. I was sitting with Sammy, Mel, Kaye & Georgia, when Emmy suddenly starts kicking up a fuss. Well, Pinky wasn't eating. Surprise, surprise! That wasn't what pissed me off, though. It was how she was sitting next to Emmy, and saying that she was fat for eating dinner. WTF?! I mean, SERIOUSLY. I wouldn't mind if she said that to me, or some other enemy of hers, but her own sister? That's just cruel! Emmy was close to tears, and she felt like throwing up. God, Sam almost had a fit. She looked SO angry it was scary. Her voice was very even and controlled, but I could hear the frustration and rage just under the surface. She very much wanted to throttle Pinky, I'm sure. Argh. Anyway, we're all consoling her and telling her she's not fat, and that she should exercise and still eat normally. She'd still lose weight like that anyway. So yeah. Problem resolved, but me and Samsara left the table early so we could have a little rant about our resident Ms Hilton. On the way back to my room after our chat, I thought about what Mel had said. "Exercise lah, and just eat normally! As long as you exercise off what you eat, you'll be okay. I mean, come on! Cannot compare yourself to Pinky, what.. none of us can! Your weight healthy already, cry for what?" Thing about Emmy, is that she's not fat. But I am. So I seriously need to lose some weight! I'm going to go running at every opportunity with Sammy, I hope, and maybe Angela. Must get fit! That's my resolution :)))
Yeah. My newest resolution. Must stick to it!!! Yup yups. Must.
Ok. On to other more minor things... I NEED TO READ HARLEQUIN!!! Ahhh, PW mentioned it, and now I really really really want to read it. I hope it's out in Singapore, then I can ask my mum to get for me... XD.
IMPORTANT: 18 DAYS B4 I RETURN TO S'PORE. [2 weeks, 4 days, whatever]
YAY!
Hahaha, I'm alreay sick of Perth. Must really go out with the people I missed out last time.. Maybe go see Pei Wei, my McGonagall, or was it Dumbledore. I'm confused ;)
ok,
Toodle-pip!
20:30.
" Sunday 17 June 2007Ohkay!
It's now like, 10 past 8, and I'm tired. Hahaha the weekend was super fun, like I've told you all before, and now I'm just putting up my slash post. I couldn't find good banners for any of the other pairings except for HPDM, so yeh. Sorry! Haha, but they ARE the hotter ship ^.^. ENJOY!!!
I just have the sudden urge to rant on about slash pairings. My life must be pathetique. Who gives a shit anyway? Here goes: [these aren't listed in any particular order of favour]
1. Harry/Draco.
This particular ship has, in the style of Monty Python, many many many variations. There's veela!Draco, creature!Harry, vampire!Harry, creature!Draco, straight!Harry, top!Harry, bottom!Harry, top!Draco, canon!Draco... yeah. This is the most common HP slash fic, and there are numerous LJ communities that devote all their time to pursuing this topic. It can be canon, OOTP, AU, whatever, Harry/Draco is one of my favourite pairings. There's just something about a dominating Draco corrupting an oh-so-canon Harry (the meek, perfect, Golden Boy). Or a dark!Harry, secretly Slytherin, worming his way into innocent!Draco's life during the angsty post-war period... yeah. I'm obsessed ^.^
2. Harry/Lucius.
Face it, guys. Older means more experienced, innit? And Malfoy Sr. should have enough of it to educate a bunch of first-years in no time! The fics that people tend to write about these two are mostly post-war ones, with creature!Harry, or some kind of bonding thing that keeps those two together. From sworn enemies to.. something else! Alot of them are angsty, with dark!Harry, top!Harry, or top!Lucius. This is a pretty dark pairing, with alot of hurt/comfort, violence, and other physical things. But there are those romantic ones, with AU!Lucius and canon!Harry that are really really nice to read. They're basically the only Luc/Harry that I read. Oh well, this couple gets 4.5 stars from me!!!
3. Harry/Snape.
The Boy Wonder and the snarky greasy Potions Master. Imperfect, but oh so sweet. There's just something about the cute childish happiness of Harry managing to offset the depressing, cynical side of Snape that makes such fics so adorable. Vampire!Snape fics are v. common, but canon!Snape and daisychain!Harry are the cutest. Come on, who can resist a chan-Harry? Seriously! There's not much to write about this pairing, but the improbability of such a thing happening is the major appeal in itself :)))
4. Harry/LV
Okay. This pairing creeps me out, sometimes, because alot of authors keep to the canon!Riddle view, with him as a cruel sadistic bastard. The true gems of this ship are those timewarp ones set in the Maurader era, with future!Harry and uncorrupted!Riddle. The former starts off by warping back to the past to save the world, but gets caught up in SO much more... XD. Most fics from this are bloody, wartime, and angsty, but those that aren't.. well, they are just wonderful.
5. Jack/Beckett
You'd be v.surprised at the number of people that actually know of this pairing. It's very much the same as Harry/Lucius/Draco, the bitter enemies coming together out of hate and revenge, which slowly gives way to softer emotions. It's quite the sweet pairing, with mostly hurt!Beckett and sweet!Jack, a far cry from their movie personas. PoTC slash has a smaller community compared to HP slash, but alot of the works here are well-written, and absolutely squee-worthy!
6. Jean Claude/Nathan
This is from the Anita Blake novels, a pairing I think PW might appreciate :). I've read a number of them, with a majority as top!JC and one with a v.bottom!Nathan. The natural command JC would have over Nathan is a sweetener, and most fics have Anita involved, getting jealous of Jean Claude's attention for Nathan. The animal sides of both characters are very much played-up in the slashfics, but that adds to the beauty of it all. One of the pairings that I've gained from visiting PW's links, and one that I will continue reading for a while :D
7. Jack/Will
This is just a side slash of mine, because I'm not that fond of it. It's a good pairing, but too many people keep a canon!Jack and a meek!Will, which kinda spoils it for me. The blushing, innocent Will may have its merits, but not with a annoyingly canon Jack. I've grown out of my fangirl obsession withi this couple, and it's starting to bore me. One can only read so much of sickeningly-pirate!Jack before you want to smash the screen in. I'm this close to abandoning the ship, really... It was good while it lasted, matey!
8. Will/Norrington
YAY! This is JUST AS GOOD AS Harry/Draco. The hate, the fight over one woman, which slowly blossoms into a fight for one another's affection. People come up with magnificent plot bunnies for this sorta thing, and I can't really blame them! top!Will and canon!Norry is perfect, with the latter being all proper and just so Norrington that he needs a little spice on the side to brighten up his life. Will/Norry/Beckett is another common side trio of this slash tree, with Beckett as the jaded lover out to win his Norry back. I'm just starting to get into this ship, but I really really like the works done by some of the writers. jennavere of HP slash fandom fame, has done some good one-shots for this particular pair. Go to her LJ for more!
Yeah. I'm done now :). I just really needed to write something down about my reading habits, and I have. I'm actually contemplating doing an English assignment on one of jennavere's stories. They are that good. Seriously.
Kays, no time to chat. I've gotta take a shower and get ready b4 my aunt comes.. I'm going out for the weekend. I might post at her house, but not that likely.
MUACKS!
10:43.
"
Spent the day @ my aunt's house, and had pizza for dinner at this place in the hills called Little Caesar... it was yummyyy!!! They had dessert pizza! Can you imagine that??? Cookies & cream, apple strudel, vanilla pecan.. ^.^ I LOVED IT!! Gah, got supa sleepy afterwards... Went to Aunt Michelle's house, watched Nicholas make coffee. It's like feckin' rocket science! Oh oh oh, I took some notes of the conversation on gas heaters they had last night. I read what I wrote down afterwards and just CRACKED up. Hahaha, I'll reproduce them here:
Old skinny women like MySpace.
Gas heaters are dangerous.
They are also complicated.
They are good for starting conversation.
Both young & old can get involved.
Even bald people. & Irishmen.
Housewives with high metabolic rates.
& Asians with Geronimos & $2000 sound systems.
Old men in khaki jackets.
And plump women in glasses.
Gas costs 20 cents per hour.
All men seem to wear socks.
Gas in Saudi Arabia comes through the floor.
Men in khaki jackets like to leave gas heaters on overnight.
...
I'm confused.
****************************
Haha, wasn't that funny?... Ok, maybe not. But yeah, I spent an hour on those few phrases. How.. interesting :D
Okay, I have a post about my most-read slash pairings coming up tomorrow, even though I wrote it yesterday, since the images that are going in it are on my school computer. Hmm. ok.
BYEE!!!
19:02.
" Friday 15 June 2007
I’m scared that I’ve lost her forever.
I’m scared of her.
I haven’t talked to her in a week… I’ve abandoned her.
“Why are you avoiding me? If this is how you treat people you love, then I’d hate to be your enemy”
Those were her very first words to me after my latest abstinence.
I was destroyed.
I had never felt such hate, guilt, sorrow and rage in my entire life.
Hate and rage for myself… sorrow and guilt directed at her.
I soothed her fears, smoothed her ruffled feathers, and everything was fine for a while.
But now I’ve destroyed everything.
I’m too scared to check my email, to see if she’s tried to contact me.
Too scared to witness her growing anger and grief with every subsequent letter.
Too scared to do anything but remain in denial.
I am WEAK.
11:15.
" Thursday 14 June 2007
Back to work.
17:02.
" Wednesday 13 June 2007
Bonnie, me, Katie get along, even Bronte too.
I have more friends.
Why aren't I any happier ???
14:02.
"
The seven days war that put the world to sleep,
Late in the evening the strange horses came.
By then we had made our covenant with silence,
But in the first few days it was so still
We listened to our breathing and were afraid.
On the second day
The radios failed; we turned the knobs; no answer.
On the third day a warship passed us, heading north,
Dead bodies piled on the deck. On the sixth day
A plane plunged over us into the sea. Thereafter
Nothing. The radios dumb;
And still they stand in corners of our kitchens,
And stand, perhaps, turned on, in a million rooms
All over the world. But now if they should speak,
If on a sudden they should speak again,
If on the stroke of noon a voice should speak,
We would not listen, we would not let it bring
That old bad world that swallowed its children quick
At one great gulp. We would not have it again.
Sometimes we think of the nations lying asleep,
Curled blindly in impenetrable sorrow,
And then the thought confounds us with its strangeness.
The tractors lie about our fields; at evening
They look like dank sea-monsters couched and waiting.
We leave them where they are and let them rust:
"They'll molder away and be like other loam."
We make our oxen drag our rusty plows,
Long laid aside. We have gone back
Far past our fathers' land.
And then, that evening
Late in the summer the strange horses came.
We heard a distant tapping on the road,
A deepening drumming; it stopped, went on again
And at the corner changed to hollow thunder.
We saw the heads
Like a wild wave charging and were afraid.
We had sold our horses in our fathers' time
To buy new tractors. Now they were strange to us
As fabulous steeds set on an ancient shield.
Or illustrations in a book of knights.
We did not dare go near them. Yet they waited,
Stubborn and shy, as if they had been sent
By an old command to find our whereabouts
And that long-lost archaic companionship.
In that first moment we had never a thought
That they were creatures to be owned and used.
Among them were some half a dozen colts
Dropped in some wilderness of the broken world,
Yet new as if they had come from their own Eden.
Since then they have pulled our plows and borne our loads,
But that free servitude still can pierce our hearts.
Our life is changed; their coming is our beginning.
- 'The Horses' by Edward Muir
It's a very deep poem that I'm doing for class. Basically it's set during a period of nuclear warfare... yeah. I just felt like sharing it with all of you :) I reckon it's a bit like what our future is gonna be like- we'll be transported all the way back to the beginning, no technology, just horses and our basest needs. Weird thoughts...
22:18.
" Tuesday 12 June 2007
Maddi: How much do you get a term?
Me: 300 bucks, tops
Maddi: Why d'ya need so much money?!
Me: Well, I don't just spend it all, you know, I only end up using like, half.
Maddi: Oh... that's a good way to save...
*awkward pause*
Maddi: I've already started saving for uni.
Me: What? Why?!
Maddi: Because! If I don't start now, there won't be enough time!
*I'm silent for a while*
Maddi: You should start saving too, you know.
Me: What for?
Maddi: Uni. DUH.
Me: I don't exactly need to...
Maddi: Staying in a hostel is pretty expensive, you know...
Me: Well, I can just stay in the flat that I've got
Maddi: You still have to pay for transport...
Me: *quite flippantly* Got that covered.
*Teacher walks by, nudges some litter towards me. I flick the litter playfully, teacher has a spat at me, I curse her under my breath as she walks away*
Me: What the hell?! She just had like, a major spat at me!
Maddi: She probably thought that you were flicking the litter back at her...
Me: WTF? Seriously! I was going to pick it up! I just felt like flicking it!
*lengthy conversation ensues where we discuss swearing in Chinese & English all the way til the end of lunch, and Maddi gets v.frustrated at me*
Maddi: I'm not talking to you now.
Me: WHAT?! What did I do?
Maddi: No, I'm ignoring you. Move please, you're standing at my locker.
*scene where she ignores my protests of 'TELL ME WHAT I'VE DONE WRONG FOR CHRISSAKES!' for like, forever, then promises to tell me what it was after school*
*I flounce off to class in a rather shitty mood*
*receives an email from Maddi about why she was pissed off at me*
{direct quote from her email}-
'you have a lot and i don't think you realize how it feels when you express how easy your life is. it makes me feel peasant like.'
I was mortified. I wasn't boasting about my wealth. I'm not even rich by most S'pore standards. I was just voicing the truth. That's where my flaw lies: I assume. I assumed, or rather just thought, that the situation was the same here, forgetting all about Maddi. Her parents worked for the money they have, worked very hard, and they aren't as well-off. I forgot all about that and just went on blabbing about life like I would to anyone else. I hope you aren't offended by this, Mads, I had no way else to say it, and this was nagging majorly @ my brain... Yeah. I overlooked that particular detail and she was hurt. Again.
I can't stop it. I'm hurting ALOT of people. Ms Keyes, some teachers, my friends... when I get sarcastic, I normally know what to stop at. But now it seems that my scorn knows no limits. Everytime I say something I get scandalized looks from my classmates or buddies, 'coz in their opinion, I've overstepped the line. But I never get scolded for this blatant disrespect. NEVER. Why are the teachers overlooking me? I have never been punished severely for anything, but why the special treatment? I keep thinking that if there were consequences for me being so rude, I would be a nicer person, more inclined to be polite. But will that really help? Will having rules that I'd want to break actually help anything at all? I say yes...
but my conscience tells me no, no, & NO.
I need to kill that conscience. It's not helping the situation right now... not helping at all...
18:40.
"
Ha, after not blogging in ages, I suddenly feel obligated to because I've found quite a few of my friend's blogs and asked them to link me.. so if there's nothing to read... yeah. :) Okay! Let's get started!!!
Life in general, I suppose. It's been okay, I've been completing my assignments like, right before they're due, not doing too good in tests either. I've like, lost my motivation COMPLETELY to do anything useful. And suddenly I'm OBSESSED with my image. I can't help it! I feel like a total idiot for worrying about something like that, since I'm not even important enough, but I just DO. I mean, one example is my jumper. It's part of our winter uniform (green jumper, quite nice looking). Basically we wear it over the white shirt that's the base of the uniform. Since I h8 long skirts, and mine was just above the knee, I pull the jumper down until it covers maybe.. just under mid-thigh, so the skirt isn't THAT long looking. I don't know why I do it. It just looks better, and I feel better about myself. I'm turning into a bimbo, aren't I??? I'M REALLY WORRIED. And my school bag. I don't carry one, since they're ugly blue lumps. Instead I take some cute sling to school. Everyone loves it, I know, and it feels good to have that around, but afterwards I ALWAYS get thoughts like these.. ALWAYS. And my hair. It's too black, I reckon. I want more brown, auburn, honey, golden in it. I DON'T KNOW WHY, I JUST DO. And like some other people, I now wear lip gloss to school. It's to prevent chapped lips n' stuff, but mine is GLOSSY, like.. shiny. Again, people like it.. but why do I feel so fake? ARGH. I feel like a FRAUD.
Yeah, I feel fake. Very fake. And I've began to put on personas (alter egos) when I'm around certain people. It's scaring me. I mean, I can now mantain a DECENT conversation with Pinky and gossip about someone, then turn back into the nice Eugenia that helps people with Maths homework. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I just have this compulsive need to FIT IN. I'll indulge in a bit of emo-ness now and then, a bit of craziness, all to divert from my real self. I'm very confused. WHAT IF I HAVE SOME KIND OF IDENTITY CRISIS? Scarrreee... I'm also quite vain now... *shudder*. Don't know why either. Fuck. I'm also getting attached to friends, and I get easily panicked when I piss them off and they ignore me for a while. My life is screwy once more. I NEED HELP. ADVICE. SOMEONE. Help me?
Ai...
OK. I'm going to write in my pocketbook now. It's where I write one-liners about what's in my mind.. random stuff too XD Okay. See you guys all soon! Tomorrow, hopefully :)))
Toodle-pip!
15:02.
"
HAHAHA, I HAVEN'T POSTED IN AGES...
Okay, okay. This is like, an update post thingy. Hahaha, I've changed the skinnn AGAIN. I have like, an obsession for new things... new skin, new bag, new this, new that.. YEAH. It's annoying me. Oh, and in case you were wondering where I've been.. I've been on Maths Camp.
Yeah. Maths Camp. Why on earth would I want to go on Maths Camp, you ask? Well, I didn't have much choice. The form went straight to Mrs Hales, and before I knew it, I was stuck in a roomful of nerds discussing 'e=mc2'. Yeah. It was like an out-of-body experience. WEIRD. We didn't do much Maths either, it was more like logic and strategy games n' stuff. The ONLY Maths things we had were on the last day, where we had to do some equations. Ahh... I'm losing my blogging skills. WHERE IS MY FECKIN FLOWERY PROSE?! Hmph.
Well, at least I'm coming back to Singapore in like, 5/6 weeks. HAPPIEEE!!! Okay, when I think of something good, I'll write it down.
Muacks!
11:20.
" Wednesday 6 June 2007
It was SO GOOD. SERIOUSLY, HE ROCKED!!! And it was cool seeing all those fan clubs from all over the world gathered there with their neon signs and screams of "JUNG JI HOON! JUNG JI HOON!" The atmosphere was FANTASTIC. Hahaha, I'll just start chronicling from the beginning of the holiday XD
Well, yeah. First night back in Singapore was nice :) Slept pretty well considering everything, and the flight was so short! Waa... I'm getting used to it faster than I thought! Haha, okay. Next morning, (ok, next day) went to VIVO CITY. The goal was just to get some ballet flats, but I got talked into buying a handbag, and I couldn't decide between a white Kipling one or a white Guess one. Haha, Mum chose the Guess one for me. It's SO JOY. I love it :) She thinks it makes me look 'classy'. DIAO :D. Oh well, yeah. Then I spent ages at Mango and GAP buying shirts :) It was so fun :) I'm using too many smilies :) YAY!!!
Hahahaha, this post is devoid of big words and flowery prose... just blatant 'squee-ing'. I'm ashamed :P Oh well, I'm sure I'll return to coherency soon. Just give me a couple of months, okay? Well, yes. I'm saying 'well' way too much as well. ARGH! Wadeva. So, yeah. I bought a shitload of stuff, then went to Bangkok. Ah, we had a DRIVER. Shiok, mannnn! His name was Chalerm. Cuteee (name lah, not the guy!). The Merc we rode in was so pretty.. I WANT ONE! lol! Ok. Yeah, had a pretty uneventful afternoon after touching down, and yeah. THEN IT WAS CONCERT TIME! It was at 8 [p.m, lah] but we got there at 5.30 to collect our tickets, and we bought some stuff from there. OMG, THERE WERE SO MANY OLD PEOPLE! hahahah, it was os funny. Oh well, my brother bought this dog tag thing, that Rain wears, that was 2500 baht. I got the calender, which is so cute! Well, in a black and red way :) Yeah, niceee stuff. OH. Hahaha, got Lynnett's sister 'Raine a autographed picture of him that I got framed.. but forgot to bring to school *sigh*. Oh well, she'll get it tomorrow or something.. the next time I see Lyn. :) HAPPEEEE! Anyway, simply put, the concert tocked. It was amazing!! He sang all my fave songs, like Nan, Escaping the Sun, I'm Coming, Friends.. OMG IT WAS SO GOOD! I really REALLY recommend it to ANYBODY that's close to being a Rain fan. HE SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER LIVE! Really, he's not all dance, man.. he can sing too! Oh, and the singer Dawn, from Danity Kane, was one of his dancers. I was shocked. But yeah. IT ROCKED. IT WAS THE BEST CONCERT I'VE EVER BEEN TOO! *faints* HE'S SO HOT! hehehe, I sound like an obsessed fangirl. Okay, you guys can stop reading right here. :)
Okay. I've ended my fanatical drabble about the concert. Basically, you have to see it. The effects, the cheoreography, EXCELLENT.
K. I seriously need to get some work done.
Toodle-pip! ^.^
Oh, and I like chocolate. (: