I really don't know what's wrong. Something's happened to me, but I don't know what it is. I'm pissing people off left and right, nothing I say actually helps, and I'm just taking everything too far. Take today's lunchtime conversation, for instance-
Maddi: How much do you get a term?
Me: 300 bucks, tops
Maddi: Why d'ya need so much money?!
Me: Well, I don't just spend it all, you know, I only end up using like, half.
Maddi: Oh... that's a good way to save...
*awkward pause*
Maddi: I've already started saving for uni.
Me: What? Why?!
Maddi: Because! If I don't start now, there won't be enough time!
*I'm silent for a while*
Maddi: You should start saving too, you know.
Me: What for?
Maddi: Uni. DUH.
Me: I don't exactly need to...
Maddi: Staying in a hostel is pretty expensive, you know...
Me: Well, I can just stay in the flat that I've got
Maddi: You still have to pay for transport...
Me: *quite flippantly* Got that covered.
*Teacher walks by, nudges some litter towards me. I flick the litter playfully, teacher has a spat at me, I curse her under my breath as she walks away*
Me: What the hell?! She just had like, a major spat at me!
Maddi: She probably thought that you were flicking the litter back at her...
Me: WTF? Seriously! I was going to pick it up! I just felt like flicking it!
*lengthy conversation ensues where we discuss swearing in Chinese & English all the way til the end of lunch, and Maddi gets v.frustrated at me*
Maddi: I'm not talking to you now.
Me: WHAT?! What did I do?
Maddi: No, I'm ignoring you. Move please, you're standing at my locker.
*scene where she ignores my protests of 'TELL ME WHAT I'VE DONE WRONG FOR CHRISSAKES!' for like, forever, then promises to tell me what it was after school*
*I flounce off to class in a rather shitty mood*
*receives an email from Maddi about why she was pissed off at me*
{direct quote from her email}-
'you have a lot and i don't think you realize how it feels when you express how easy your life is. it makes me feel peasant like.'
I was mortified. I wasn't boasting about my wealth. I'm not even rich by most S'pore standards. I was just voicing the truth. That's where my flaw lies: I assume. I assumed, or rather just thought, that the situation was the same here, forgetting all about Maddi. Her parents worked for the money they have, worked very hard, and they aren't as well-off. I forgot all about that and just went on blabbing about life like I would to anyone else. I hope you aren't offended by this, Mads, I had no way else to say it, and this was nagging majorly @ my brain... Yeah. I overlooked that particular detail and she was hurt. Again.
I can't stop it. I'm hurting ALOT of people. Ms Keyes, some teachers, my friends... when I get sarcastic, I normally know what to stop at. But now it seems that my scorn knows no limits. Everytime I say something I get scandalized looks from my classmates or buddies, 'coz in their opinion, I've overstepped the line. But I never get scolded for this blatant disrespect. NEVER. Why are the teachers overlooking me? I have never been punished severely for anything, but why the special treatment? I keep thinking that if there were consequences for me being so rude, I would be a nicer person, more inclined to be polite. But will that really help? Will having rules that I'd want to break actually help anything at all? I say yes...
but my conscience tells me no, no, & NO.
I need to kill that conscience. It's not helping the situation right now... not helping at all...
Oh, and I like chocolate. (: