I've been in a very depressing mood lately... for absolutely no reason at all.
Or is there a reason?
Okay. Maybe it's because my fickle mind is making me regret making my return to PLC Perth. Maybe it's because I know that there's no good cause for me to be doing so. Maybe because the single friendship I've inadvertently broken off is the most precious one that I've had in a while. Maybe because I've taken it too seriously. Maybe because I've lost my heart. Maybe because I'm not the person everybody thinks I am. Maybe because I'm finally done lying, but I can't stop doing so. Maybe because my life is screwed beyond repair. Maybe because I'm done with Life. Maybe because sometimes I feel like dying. Maybe because I pour so much emotion into my writing, I haven't got any left for my friends. Maybe because of this lack of emotion, I'm becoming an outcast. Maybe because I couldn't care less about being different. Or maybe because I DO care... and I care alot.
It's hard leading a double life... denying what I am to fit in. Maybe I should just have been open about it from the start. If I had been more honest, maybe she would have understood. Maybe she wouldn't have left without looking back. But who am I to impose on others? Suppose she wasn't even what I thought she was- maybe she's normal. Maybe she never wanted to be friends in the first place. I guess that's the logical explanation for how she acted that very last day. But I can't forget, no matter how hard I try, the night it all came together. Who cares if she was squeamish about going to the goddamn social in the first place? WHO FUCKING CARES?
All that matters is that she let go. Let go of her inhibitions, let the music carry her, and me. That was the happiest night of my life. It was just her, me, the other girls and the music. Even when we were trying to wind up the teachers, it was still just us. Bliss... total, oblivious, bliss. Even afterwards, on the walk back, the joking around and me pretending to be drunk. We shared a good laugh, she caught me when I almost fell, and time stopped. I just stared, and kept on staring into her eyes, laughter bubbling in my throat as the response to her joke came into mind. But it was never about the joke, was it? Then two of us stumbling down the stairs, clutching each other, still laughing about the hilarity of the situation: dishevelled hair, smudged makeup, sweat, and all we could think about was having a cup of Milo and some food. Collapsing on chairs in the dining room, panting with the exertion of trekking nearly 800m in impossibly high heels, we laughed and laughed. Grace and the 2 Nicoles just kept staring, but we laughed on and on, and soon the whole room was filled with laughter from 5 insane Year 9s. I made myself a cold Milo with extra milk, and she spooned some watermelon into a cup. We must have sat there for at least half an hour, half-asleep, but buzzed with the passing adrenaline rush from the dancing. Nicole Lee left, then Nicole Foo, then Grace, and the 2 of us were alone. Our conversation reverted to the all-popular topic of my ex-boyfriends, and why they were suddenly after me again. Standing side by side at the sink, we washed out our cups, and time stopped again. We both held the same washcloth, and this time it was her staring, while I just stood, mute. Slowly, the cloth was prised from my hands and the washing-up done. Awkward silence broken, I looped an arm around her waist and 'escorted' her to our room, where we once again broke into laughter when my phone started ringing. Without bothering to change, we slid under the covers, totally knackered, but still chatting deep into the night about random things. I fell asleep halfway, I think, the soothing sound of her voice lulling me into slumber. I guess she soon realised that she was rattling on about school to no one and she too fell asleep. I think I dreamt that night, but I couldn't remember what it was the next morning. The memories of the social were still too fresh.
Life went on, as usual, interspersed by friendly bickering and the usual gossip, until I had only a week left at Melbourne. One restless night, we came up with what I deemed 'the most fantastic idea ever'- to scare the pants off Nicole Lee. I knew about 'fake-kissing', [where one puts a hand between their mouth and the other person's mouth, and kisses that instead] and since Nicole Lee was slightly homophobic, my little prank was perfect! We practised, with me trying my best to keep a straight face while sniggering uncontrollably at the same time, and her staring blankly at me, still wondering about how she was supposed to kiss her hand. With our half-baked routine embedded firmly in our minds, we stumbled next door and got as far as the first 10 seconds of the plan before just giving up and dashing off to our room again. She swore never to do anything like that EVER again, but once I pleaded, and her strong resolve wobbled, I knew that she would do anything for me, even if it took ages to get 'round to it. The next night, we modified the prank a little: this time, she would be up against the wall, and I would have my mouth near her neck in a 'vampiric' display of affection. There would be no actual physical contact between us, of course, since she was so against it. We practised this new plan too, in the dead of the night, and Valerie stumbled upon our display, and thought we did it for real. Once again, the curse of unstoppable laughter struck and we were chuckling ourselves to sleep. I was so sure that we would get a chance to execute this plan... but it never came.
My last hour in Melbourne, and we were at the airport with my guardian. She kept snapping pictures of me walking around, scowling, then smiling madly. It was a bit of a pain at first, then I just let her have her fun; it might be the last chance she ever gets to snap pictures of me, ever. We hung around a bit, then I had to see her off. I opened my arms for a hug, and so did my guardian, but she froze, seemingly undecisive. My happiness level plummeted. Why was she suddenly so uncomfortable now? "It's just a hug" I reassured her, and slowly, like a spooked horse, she settled into the promised hug. Just as a last little tease, I brought my mouth just above the skin of her neck and exhaled, expecting her to tense up and giggle, but not expecting her to jump away like a bee-stung dog, swatting at my hands. There was a lump in my throat, and I never felt more abandoned in my entire life. I whispered a goodbye, betrayed and guilty, afraid that I had driven her away. If she had seen any indication of my feelings, she never let me know, and just waltzed away with a flippant wave, not looking back. I felt horrible. Horrible enough to contemplate running after her and kneeling, shouting out apologies for the world to hear. She probably deserved that attention. But I just stood there, numb, and turned to walk away, heart chipped beyond repair.
She's brought light into my life, then snatched it away just as quickly. She's let me soar, full of joy, and she's let me fall into the void of despair. She's opened me up to new things, but remains closed to the world. I've written a poem about her in my first post, and I've devoted this entire post to her. You deserve to know who she is. She is my Queen, my room mate, my confidante, my best friend, my mon chere, my etoile qui rit.
She is Jenny Yun Shen. The bane of my existence, and one of the reasons why I exist.
Toodle-pip. Although I'm in no mood for such a jovial farewell.
Oh, and I like chocolate. (: