Another week-long gap between posts... *sigh* What is coming over me, I wonder...
Oh well, I've tried being cheerful. Happy, even. I've had a few bouts of retail therapy, spent time with friends, lazed around at home, but I guess joy isn't a prevalent emotion in my life. It just doesn't feel right that I'm all hyped-up and merry. And my mum's certainly not helping the situation. I'm sure you've read about the Virginia Tech shootings. So, my oh-so-intelligent mother puts two and two together, and starts comparing me to the GUNMAN. Oh please... what bollocks. She spent a whole 2 hours telling me about all the things I had in common with him e.g. writing 'depressing' poetry, feeling generally pessimistic, unsociable, 'dark'... the list goes on and on. To cut straight to the point, and avoid me spouting lines of literary profanity that would have Shakespeare turning in his grave, I'll dispense with any courtesy WHATSOEVER and just say that I felt like all of my earlier happiness just evaporated into nothingness and was replaced with the inane urge to throttle the bloody gunman.. wherever he is. Now my own MOTHER thinks that I'm going to become a psycho shooter once I hit uni. Great, I mean, my family is just so fucking supportive!!! Sweet Mary mother of God, I am really looking forward to going back to boarding school just to get away from all this bullshit. *sigh* But I don't want to leave Singapore, 'coz there are like, SO many people I wanted to go out with that I didn't have the chance to.... (PrezCheddar, Amber, Andrea, Min Wei etc.) and I feel guilty.
I've kinda stopped beating myself up about the Sports Day thing, but having a ton of people falling over themselves in apology isn't really helping the situation *glares at those few organisms*. Oh well... I guess that I'll just have to wait til July to repent for my sins. Haha... my, my... I'll be damned if that isn't a sign that religion is taking root in my mind =) This is probably going to be the only post you guys are gonna get for this next week, since the first half I will be @ my aunt's, and I prolly won't have frequent access to a comm... and the next I'll be back at Perth, and I doubt that I'll get my laptop rightaway, so yeah. This is going to have to last for you guys. I know it's not a masterpiece, and it's actually not even worth your time, but I just needed to put my jumble of thoughts into type. I know few people bother reading this blog since the posts are either too long, just a few sentences, or devoid of anything other than pessimism. So if I come back next week with no new tags, I'll know this blog has been abandoned, and with good cause. God, I sound so pitiful, I'm retching...
Sometimes I wonder why I can feel heartwrenchingly sad on the inside, but I don't cry. I just curl up on my bed, or lay my head on my arms, and feel three tears slowly trickle down my cheek. Then it stops; the ache lessened, but still tangible. Maybe I'm incapable of strong emotion. It's a strength, I reckon. The less people love you, the less you express to them, the lower your chances of getting hurt. That's the only useful thing I ever garnered from PLC Melbourne. I've no doubt that this mantra is going to work. I mean, everytime I size up a potential friend, this snarky little voice starts going on about how they could use my dreams, and fears against me. Suddenly this friend starts to look as friendly as a horned demon. I suppose having this little minder in my head is a good thing since it's looking out for me. Or is it? This innocent little minder, delving deep into my head, learning about my dreams and fears, then turning me against myself. But I feel that this minder is the only thing I can trust. I can only trust myself, and that makes sense to me. Twisted logic.... I know.... but it's the only form of thinking that I excel at. It might be bad for me, it might be damaging, but hey... it feels right now, so fuck everything else.
Toodle-pip, my dear readers who I've probably scared off forever =P
Toodle-pip
Oh, and I like chocolate. (: